I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
