Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
