I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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