He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
