Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
