When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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