fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
