I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
