conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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