he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
