You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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