Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
