I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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