the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
