a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
