Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize