I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
