Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
