if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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