I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize