somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
