I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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