You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
