The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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