Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
