I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
