I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
