i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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