Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
