I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize