Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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