I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
