I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my shit smells like andre
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
