you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
