Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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