He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
