Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
