you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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