waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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