its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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