can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
