Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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