Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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