she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize
