i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
