I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He better not be in your backpack
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
