I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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