1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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