So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
