What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
