There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
