I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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