Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
