Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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