I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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