i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
