He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
